Blink and you'll miss it!

A couple of months ago, I decided I really wanted to blog again.  It's been about 5 years I reckon since I blogged regularly and I miss it.  My old blogging ways have never left me, I am always mentally writing a blog post on subjects that I think would appeal to like minded readers or making lists of things i'd like to blog about, not to mention the high volume of blogworthy images I snap most days but alas, fingertip was never put to keyboard.

It's taken me some time to actually start things off again, life with kids goes so fast - days, weeks and months literally zoom by.  Originally, a beauty/lifestyle blog (some of you may remember me as my alter ego - Saskia), there has been quite a few changes since my last posts - which were about my first pregnancy but were few and far between.  You see, i had well intentions even back then to regularly blog but time was never on my side, what with raising my first (that's right, there is another) baby and having a blast on maternity leave, meeting lots of new friends for me and my baby girl.

So here i find myself today, still with a huge list of things I would like to blog about but a little apprehensive and unsure how to get started so I guess the secret is to just do it!  I am now on baby number 2, another gorgeous baby girl called Ada Charlotte who is 5 months old, while baby number 1, Sylvie, is now in the throes of the terrible twos and soon to be a three-nager.  I could not be happier with my fill, although I might be hankering for a third (don't tell my husband).  Our fluffy, rascal of a dog, Razor is still always by our side.

I am still on maternity leave from my job, and recently I have been considering picking back up on where I left off working part time as a make-up artist.  I am also keen to up my photography game now that I have 2 beautiful subjects.

This is starting to sound a bit like a lonely hearts column or a profile from match.com so i will stop while i am ahead.  Essentially, this is me dipping my toe in the blogging waters again to see if I enjoy it as much as before and if I can be interesting enough to strike up some engagement which would be lovely.

Oh, and apologies for the cringe blog name.  This is the one I used when I stopped beauty blogging and moved onto all things parenthood.  I tried to change it today but blogger wouldn't let me - I wonder if this means I am stuck with it?!!  I have a lot to learn all over again ... bear with me!

Stay tuned.

Tokophobia and Hypnobirthing

Tokophobia:

Tokophobia is a pathological fear of pregnancy and can lead to avoidance of childbirth.  It can be classified as primary or secondary.  Primary is morbid fear of childbirth in a woman, who has no previous experience of pregnancy. 

This was me.  Tokophobic.  Terrified of childbirth.  From memory, I had been terrified of childbirth from around the age of 19 or 20.  I don't remember being so scared as a child although I have always been quite a squeamish person. 

As an adult, such a phobia is debilitating and tokophobia specifically, doesn't seem to be recognised by many health professionals, especially midwives or any of those involved in caring for you and your pregnancy. 

So how I came to have a baby is as baffling to me as it will be to anyone reading this.  I always had the desire to have children but the fear was so strong that I pushed it to the back of my mind and was insistent that a life with children just was not for me.  My fear would manifest itself in a number of different ways.  Scenarios that were common ... 

1) Discussing with friends news of new baby arrivals;  If the conversation became detailed around the birth, I would begin to feel sick and usually I would have to hide myself away in the bathroom to be sick or sob into a tissue in the hope that when I returned to the room, the conversation had moved on. 

2) Overhearing a discussion about childbirth between strangers on the bus.  I fainted.  The bus had to be emptied while an ambulance was called for me. (overdramatic, much? CRINGE). 

3) Watching childbirth on TV (something I still avoid at all costs), I would very often pass out or get too upset to watch any further and turn over before it became gory.  

Of course, as with any phobia, it is completely psychological but it took me until the age of 32 for my desire to have children to become greater than my fear of childbirth.  Even then I knew it wouldn't be a simple journey and I would have to train my mind for D-day if I were to get through it with my sanity intact.  My worry was that childbirth may traumatise me so much that I wouldn't be able to go through it again. 

When I first discovered I was pregnant, I was delighted but of course, petrified.  For the first few weeks, I spent many a morning sobbing into my pillow in sheer terror of what was to come.  I tried to discuss my phobia with my GP and my midwives but they had no idea what I was talking about, with many of them completely disregarding me as just another scared mum to be.  Tokophobia is definitely more than your natural fear of what lies ahead so this is when I decided to do some of my own research and embark upon my hypnobirthing journey. 

The basic premise of hypnobirthing is to remove fear, which in doing so will reduce or eliminate pain.  I followed the Marie Mongan method which promotes natural, drug free births.  I was lucky enough to get in touch with an old school friend who was a hypnobirthing practicioner and together with my husband she took us through a series of classes that taught us about the fundamentals of childbirth along with all the tools and techniques I would need to get my through the birth of my first baby. Through hypnobirthing, I learned many techniques for relaxation and fear release and it taught me that despite how modern day society has shaped childbirth into a scary, horror inducing event, it is indeed a very natural, beautiful process.  You just have to tell someone your wonderful pregnancy news and the first thing they do is discuss labour stories with you, mainly horrific ones! Why ladies must you torture others? Why?? Seriously, what is up with you?  

Anyway, if you have read my previous posts, you will know that I ended up with a c-section.  A lot of friends and family were very cynical of my attempts at a hypnobirth (and a water birth at that too) ... and they felt my efforts had been a waste of time and money given the outcome of my baby's delivery but I still cannot recommend hypnobirthing enough.  The breathing and relaxation techniques helped me through my initial contractions (or surges as we referred to them in hypnobirthing) and c-section itself so it can definitely be adapted to whatever situation you end up in when delivering your baby. 

As part of the hypnobirthing classes, we watched a lot of dvd's of births and I managed to do so without fainting, although it was touch and go with the first couple! I wouldn't go as far as to watch One Born Every Minute but it's been nice to watch the birth stories of fellow bloggers/vloggers on you tube.  I would definitely recommend you watch Laura of Belles Boutique and Mrs Meldrum's you tube accounts of their birth stories. 

I wouldn't say I am completely over my fear, despite now having a baby of my own but I do know that I would be happy to have another baby and put my hypnobirth training to good use again whether I go for another c-section or a natural birth (VBAC).  It is disappointing however, that there aren't many resources, advice or help for women suffering tokophobia.  I have yet to speak to a medical professional who will take me seriously about it although I know there has to be some out there.  

If anything, I would love for anyone who suffers the same to be able to read this and know that they can do it.  They can control their fear, they can deliver a baby and they can enjoy it.  You don't have to live in fear of a few hours of your life that will give you the most precious gift you will ever know. 

Wearing My Baby

Before your baby is born, you learn about the importance of skin on skin contact in terms of bonding and the many benefits for you and your baby.  Likewise, baby wearing - i.e, actually wearing your baby on you whether it be on a carrier or a sling, offers many benefits.

As well as being convenient for getting things done when baby is restless or fussy, research shows that babies thrive on touch and in particular, babies that are 'worn' apparently cry less and are more in tune with their parents.

This wasn't the only reason I wanted to invest in a baby carrier.  We were going on our first mini holiday as a family and lugging a pram around the beach/countryside was never going to be the most convenient option. Through researching baby carriers, I wanted to make sure it was not only comfortable for me to wear (I suffer from a bad back) but that it was also going to be comfortable for Sylvie and not put her at risk of clunky hips.

Hip dysplasia is when a baby's ball and socket hip joint doesn't fully develop and fit together as it should.  I wanted to ensure that any carrier I bought encouraged healthy hip development.  It can be illustrated best in the following image:

This is what I kept in mind when looking for the perfect carrier for my needs.  I investigated the BabyBjorn and the Stokke carriers but found that they either didn't support my own back or  baby's hips as well as would be expected.  They also seemed a little complicated to put on although I am sure they aren't that hard to master with practise.

Just as I was ready to make my purchase, we found out about the newly released Ergo Baby 360.  A baby carrier that offers 4 different positions for baby - front inward, front outward, back and hip.  It also offered a newborn position which is what we needed, although we had to purchase a separate infant insert for this.  The carrier itself is simple to put on and the carrier is ergonomically shaped to house and support baby (and her precious hips) perfectly.  It does help that Ergo have a terrific name in the world of baby wearing and believe me, baby wearing is practically a movement in itself!

Sylvie does squirm and moan when she is being put into the carrier but once in, it's clear she is comfy and snug as she usually falls asleep within minutes.  It's simple to put on and it offers me just the right support for my back as it hasn't caused me any back pain as yet, thankfully.

The Ergo Baby 360 is a pricey purchase so I had to be sure that I was making the right choice.  At 12 weeks old, Sylvie is no longer using the infant insert and the carrier has become a staple of our daily dog walks.  It's especially great for my husband to wear Sylvie as it gives them lovely, close, one on one time together.

on our first holiday 

Hangover

Of course, traditional baby wearers (i.e slings) will be gawping and cursing my venture into it by going for a bulky carrier, however, I am on the look out for a reasonably priced sling for wearing around the house offering a bit more flexibility.  As great as the Ergo Baby 360 is for my husband and for myself when we are out on long walks ... it isn't great for doing your daily chores at home when Sylvie needs to be close and comforted, so a sling would help greatly.

If anyone has sling recommendations, leave me a wee message in the comments :)

Love to sleep

I have a list as long as my arm of blog posts I'd like to get through, either documenting or sharing tips and experiences of my adventures as a first time mummy.  In no particular order, I have plenty to blab on about!

One of my biggest apprehensions about motherhood was the lack of sleep that lay ahead of me.  I enjoy my sleep, my lie ins, my early nights, pyjama days ... the thought of this being reduced to as little as one hours sleep on any given night literally made me feel sick to the stomach.  How on earth would I cope?

Don't all tut at once but I have been pretty lucky as Sylvie sleeps well ... or at least she sleeps well through the night.  During the day is a different ball game, she rarely naps and I need to get her out and about in the pram or car to really get her asleep for any length of time.  Nighttime, however, is a different kettle of fish.  My little munchkin seemed to just 'get' nighttime from the minute she came home.

From the start, she has slept a minimum 4-5 hours before waking for feeds.  In the early days this was a huge relief as it meant I was able to function each day and be up and ready to face visitors.  This quickly progressed to 6-7 hours and most recently Sylvie has been sleeping 10 hours straight a night - no feeds or settling required in between, just 10 blissful hours.  I must also add, Sylvie is exclusively breast fed (so far) and she still manages to sleep so well.

A lot of this is luck but there are still times when Sylvie will startle herself in her sleep and wake so there have been some sleep aids that I have used along the way that have definitely helped.

White Noise App
There are a plethora of white noise apps for smart phones and I just downloaded one of the free ones. When Sylvie was days old, I would play the womb/heartbeat setting to help her settle for naps and it worked a treat.  This was mostly helpful at the very early stages and I only use it now if she is really struggling to settle.

Ewan the Sheep
Ewan is a cute, cuddly, purple sheep who plays 4 different settings of white noise.  His tummy also glows pink to mimic a womb like environment for baby.  I have used this a few times when Sylvie has been a bit grizzly and unsettled.  The white noise still helps to some extent and when the lighting is just right in the room then the pink glow seems to help.  Most of all, Ewan looks cute in the moses basket.

Air Cocoon swaddle by Ergo Pouch
Sylvie has been swaddled since birth, loosely swaddled that is.  The guidelines on this seems to change often.  We hear stories of overheating or swaddle blankets covering baby's face so I have always played it safe with a fairly loose swaddle.  Although this is worrying to think about, it also isn't helpful when your baby manages to twist their hands out of their swaddles causing them to scratch at themselves or startle themselves awake.  I had used muslins, blankets and pouches designed for swaddling on Sylvie but like David Blaine, she managed to get out of all of these - and some of them were even awkward to get her into!

I stumbled across the ergo cocoon on a trip to TK Maxx. It's a pouch that your baby can still wriggle around in but feel secure and cosy with no risk of startling.  There is a swaddle for each season so you can send baby to bed without having to bulk up on blankets and covers which can again cause overheating.  It's simple to put on, rolling it from the feet up like a sock, creating a baby glow worm ;) The minute we started using the ergo cocoon, Sylvie's sleep pattern changed and we started getting 8 hours sleep straight through the night.  You can buy the ergo cocoon here.

Ergo Pouch AirCocoon

Love to Dream Swaddle Up
I believe i've saved the best for last.  After investigating more about the air cocoon online, I came across the Love to Dream swaddle up.  This is a zip up swaddle and is great for babies who like to starfish as their little arms fit into tiny sleeves within the swaddle sac.  It looks restrictive but Sylvie can still move her arms around somewhat without the worry of startling herself or scratching her face and again reduces the risk of overheating etc.  She even seems to enjoy being in it.  The first night she wore it, she slept 9 hours straight which progressed to 10 hours the next night.  10 hours!!! She was 8 or 9 weeks old!

I now alternate between the air cocoon and the love to dream swaddle but it is the love to dream swaddle that i will repurchase in the next size up as Sylvie sleeps best in it.  It is an absolute gem of a product and I think every new mum needs to know about it!  You can buy a Love to Dream Swaddle Up here.

Love to Dream Swaddle Up

If there was only one thing I could recommend to new parents from a sleep perspective, it would be to buy the Love to Dream Swaddle Up, it really has been fantastic and anyone who follows me on twitter will have heard me sing its praises and recommend it to all the twitter mamma's!

Don't get me wrong, I am sure Sylvie's sleep pattern will continue to change and the swaddle may not always work but for now it is working a treat.

What sleep aids would you recommend?

This happened.

Since taking up blogging again and converting this particular blog to all things parenthood, I have been positively lax with keeping it up to date.  I have had little time to sit at my laptop because 11 weeks ago today, this happened:

This little angel came into our lives.  Sylvie Florence Paterson Read came into our world on Sunday 8 June, weighing in at 7lb 13oz.  With a thick mass of dark hair, plump cheeks, rosy lips and a pair of lungs that made my heart burst the minute I heard her cry ... Sylvie Read had arrived! 

I was 41+2 weeks when she decided it was time.  I was feeling impatient, fed up and downright demented by that stage.  I had so hoped she would come on time or even a few days early, so as you can imagine the waiting was driving me insane. 

I had a dream pregnancy but had trained hard for the birth, consuming my evenings reading about the nature of childbirth as well as going to hypnotherapy classes and practising relaxation techniques, visualisation and breathing.  I had planned on a water birth and had the tankini at the ready along with my aromatherapy oils and music playlist in my hospital bag.  

I wasn't naive enough to think that all would go to plan but I hadn't banked on what was ahead of me.  2 days before Sylvie's arrival and after a week of birth ball bouncing, eating pineapple and curries and going vigorous county walks, my waters at last started to show! I was elated and was sure this was the start of what I thought would be a beautiful journey to birthing my baby.

In actual fact my waters were leaking and when I merrily called the midwife to let her know, it transpired this wasn't actually a good thing as it meant there was a risk of infection.  They asked me to go to the hospital to be checked out which I admit I dilly dallied about as I really wanted to avoid any medical intervention (induction, drugs, monitoring etc).  At hospital, they confirmed my waters were leaking and they booked me in for induction the next morning, I was distraught.  I did not want this.  It was so off plan it broke my heart.  Just as I was about to leave hospital, they did one more check of my waters and this time it showed meconium. This is when your baby's poo is in your waters and can sometimes signal foetal distress.  They kept me in and cut to 12 hours later after a long night of contractions and monitoring, one thing led to another and Sylvie arrived by Caesarean section at 12:16 in the afternoon. 

I will never forget the emotional torment as I made my way to theatre.  I was so upset that things had gone way off plan and that I was now missing out on a natural birth.  Everything I had learned about over the past 9 months was all about how nature should run its course and not to accept medical interventions, in fact, I would go as far to say that everything I had read in terms of positive birthing put real shame and disgust on a c-section birth.  I was positive I would feel sorrowful and possibly resentful of how Sylvie had arrived. 

Thankfully, this couldn't have been further from the truth.  My c-section, although unplanned turned out to be a pleasant experience.  Nothing like the violent, unnatural, disgusting process that many mummy forums, positive birthing sites and even some Mothers had painted it to be.  Sylvie arrived within minutes and before I knew it, I was in the recovery room lapping up my wonderful new baby.  We had skin on skin contact at the earliest opportunity and she breastfed while in recovery.  Any fears  of not bonding or breastfeeding being hindered went out the window.  I had a very alert baby (not drugged up) who was already exceeding all my expectations.

My own recovery has been absolutely fine, I never felt too uncomfortable or in pain.  I was up and walking about, holding my baby within 6 hours of delivery (as soon as spinal had worn off) and I was back home within 48 hours.  Although it is major abdominal surgery, I do believe are a lot of myths surrounding c-sections and their recovery that didn't ring true for me but everyone is different.  

Anyway, that's my birth story of sorts and now that I can reflect 11 weeks on, the scariest part of it all is how quickly your baby grows and progresses.  I already feel like I have lost my newborn baby so my advice to any new mums is soak it all up.  Don't miss a minute of your baby because it all passes in a flash! 

Sylvie at 10 weeks

Maternity/Nursing Bra

One of the purchases I have been fretting over is a nursing bra.

I plan on breastfeeding so a comfortable, flexible nursing bra is essential.  Ensuring you wear a good fitting bra is always important but even more so during and after pregnancy when there are so many changes going on to your body.   I was originally fitted for a maternity bra a few months ago and my back had gone up 1 size and my cup by 2 sizes!! I still went for underwired, pretty bras but I knew I would need to lose the underwire when it came to choosing a nursing bra.

I didn't want to buy a nursing bra too soon as I realise my rack could stack up a few extra notches even between now and birth.  However, at week 34 I thought it was at least a good idea to start getting used to non underwire bras as it would probably be more beneficial and comfortable for me in the latter stages of my pregnancy.

I was offered to go along to Debenhams for a bra fitting.  Until 26th April, Debenhams are offering £5 off when you spend £30 or more on lingerie when you have a bra fit in store.  Lingerie is expensive as it is so I thought this was a good deal to take advantage of, especially when you know you can trust the fitting service.

I was fitted by Shaunice at the Glasgow Debenhams and I couldn't have asked for a friendlier more helpful member of staff.  She measured mostly by eye but she backed up her findings with a measuring tape for good measure (literally).  She had me try on a number of bras and styles to ensure the sizing was just right and I was making the right choice for me - after all, I have never had to wear a nursing bra before!

Of course, the sizing may alter slightly once the baby is here and Shaunice made allowance for that when helping me choose a bra.  The style I chose can be be moved up a few notches as my back size decreases after birth so this will hopefully mean longer life out of them.

Miriam Stoppard Nurture nursing/maternity bras

The main brand that Debenhams stock is Miriam Stoppard nursing bras - remember Miriam? She used to do an agony aunt stint on TV but I can't for the life of me remember what programme. Answers on a postcard ... !  I went for 2 double pack bras of the Miriam Stoppard Nurture range, one in cotton and the other a silkier, nylon material.  They are so comfortable, even if they aren't the fanciest bras I have ever worn. They have a clasp at the top of each cup for nursing which is easy to function one handed.  Although, they aren't super fancy, to be honest they do just look like pretty t-shirt bras.

My underwire bras are starting to dig a little and hurt my back so I am looking forward to wearing these now and getting used to the fit and feel of them before baby's arrival.

Until 26th April, Debenhams are offering £5 off when you spend £30 or more on lingerie when you have a bra fit in store.

Bump Update - Week 33/34

How far along?  34 weeks and 4 days (It's been a full month since my last update) 

Total weight gain:  So a month ago my weight gain sat at 14lbs, this has now increased to 18lbs.  I honestly expected to have put so much more weight on by this stage so I am quite pleased the gain has been steady and balanced. 

Dress: Christoper Kane for Topshop
Watch: Swatch 

Maternity clothes?  I have given up on maternity clothes. Seriously. Hate them.  I obviously still need to wear maternity trousers and leggings but when it comes to tops, I am now trying to stick with bigger sizes as most maternity items make me look frumpy or just aren't that comfortable.  Maternity jeans are still my nemesis with the 3 pairs I own being an absolute nightmare to wear.  They are Topshop and ASOS brands, 2 have low waistbands and one with a high waistband.  All 3 pairs fall down constantly and just leave me looking rather undignified as i try and sort myself every 5 minutes! 

Stretch marks? One! My first stretch mark appeared about 3 weeks ago.  It's very low down so I think it may have gone unnoticed for a while but I am oiling and creaming it up whenever I can in the hope it fades.  Regardless of whether it does or not, I secretly take pride in my stretch mark, it is a reminder of this wonderful time, growing my baby. 

Sleep:  My sleep has been fine with the occasional middle of the night loo trip.  Getting back to sleep after this can take a while but for the most part it's fine.  I do get some very strange dreams however, and I have started snoring and making the strangest noises in my sleep, sometimes even waking myself up and my husband! 

Best moment this week:  My best moment was last week when I went for my hospital scan and they confirmed the baby's weight and size was absolutely fine so previous worries of the baby being too small have disappeared.  Another great moment was finishing up work for maternity leave on Friday! :)  

Worst Moment This Week:  My worst moment coincides with a great moment.  Finishing up work.  It all felt very surreal and on one hand i felt delighted to leave but most of the weekend since, I have felt really down in the dumps.  Maybe it's reality all hitting at once but other mums have told me this is pretty normal.  I am definitely feeling much better now so hopefully my miserable mood will not reappear. 

Food cravings:  Chocolate still seems to be top of my list at the moment despite the fact I don't feel like I enjoy it as I eat it! 

Miss anything? In the last few weeks, I have started to really miss alcohol.  I think this weekend's better weather really pushed me over the edge.  Where I would normally enjoy a glass of wine on a sunny evening, I am now sitting nursing an orange juice or glass of water and it just doesn't feel the same! 

Movement:  I am still getting lots of movement from baby ... my favourite is when I can see my whole tummy move.  I like to give him/her a wee pat and have a chat when this happens :) 

Anything making you queasy or sick:  I have randomly started feeling very queasy at bed time.  When I am about to fall asleep i think i am about to be sick but it soon wears off and i fall asleep. 

Belly button in or out?  In. 

Happy or moody most of the time?  Still pretty happy and relaxed with a touch of the blues over the weekend. 

Looking forward to:  We have pretty much finished our nursery and have moved on to decorating our spare bedroom which we will be moving into.  The work is in progress at the moment so I am looking forward to it being finished so I can feel properly organised!